The General Accounting Office released a report today titled, “Homeland Security: Communication Protocols and Risk Communication Principles Can Assist in Refining the Advisory System.”

“In this report, we make specific recommendations to the Secretary of Homeland Security regarding documentation of communication protocols to assist DHS in better managing federal agencies’ and states’ expectations regarding the methods, timing, and content of threat information and guidance provided to these entities and to ensure that DHS follows clear and consistent policies and procedures when interacting with these entities through the Homeland Security Advisory System.”

In this instance Saturday Night Live scooped the GAO:

“Good evening. I’m Tom Ridge. Nearly six months ago, President Bush asked me to organize and lead a new federal agency, the Office of Homeland Security. Since that time, many of you have probably wondered just what this agency has been up to and what, if anything, we are doing to prevent terrorist attacks within our borders.

Tonight, I’m proud to unveil my agency’s new weapon in the War on Terror: the Homeland Security advisory system. It’s a simple five level system, which uses color codes to indicate varying levels of terrorist threat. The lowest level of threat is condition OFF-WHITE, followed by CREAM, PUTTY, BONE and finally NATURAL. It is essential that every American learns to recognize and distinguish these colors. Failure to do so could cost you your life. For those who may have questions, an excellent guide will be found on page 74 of the spring J. Crew catalogue.

Now, what precisely do these threat levels indicate? Condition OFF-WHITE, the lowest level, indicates a huge risk of terrorist attack. Next highest, condition CREAM: an immense risk of terrorist attack. Condition PUTTY: an enormous risk of terrorist attack. Condition BONE: a gigantic risk of terrorist attack. And finally, the most serious, condition NATURAL: an enormous risk of terrorist attack.

Many of you probably noticed that in the preceding chart, we used the term “Enormous risk of terrorist attack” twice. This was a mistake we didn’t catch in time and we’re trying to fix it… Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”